REMEMBER, THE DARK SIDE HAS COOKIES
So you want to be evil? Well, we honestly can’t blame you, but are you qualified? When you were a child, did you ever knock over the block tower you’d just built, just to watch it crumble? When you see someone standing precariously close to the edge of the stairs, is there this little voice in your head telling you to push them?
When you see a baby, do you find yourself wondering if he really, truly, needs that candy? If so, you have two options!
- Get help. Seriously, find a good shrink and urge him to lock you in a padded room until you no longer feel the urge to watch your fellow man weep at your feet.
- Sign up for our quick and easy guide to proper villainy. For just a small monthly payment we here at Mephistopheles and Co will keep you updated on how to do the wrong thing, the right way.
Of course, just because we’re evil doesn’t mean we can’t do something for other people. It just means we’ll enjoy it far less than doing something only we benefit from. We understand that you can’t just completely commit to evil right away. Hell, even something as simple as our how-to guide is apparently frowned upon.
Really, you publish one guide with orbital death ray blueprints and the UN immediately gets all huffy. Fools.
So we’ll give you a bit of a sample. We know better than anyone that good help is so hard to come by these days (it’s like nobody majors in super villainy anymore) and of course you want to make sure our advice is worth the investment.
Below you’ll find the Do’s and Don’ts of proper villainy, submitted by only the finest, most despicably evil minds on our payroll (Read: Jerry the intern and Jerry’s cat).
Do’s and Don’ts
So you’ve decided you’re evil. Congratulations! The first step is to admit that everyone else has a problem. A problem only you can solve…Through intimidation, destruction of property, slaughter of the innocent and other miscellaneous evil practices.
However, you are hardly the first to commit yourself to a life our narrow-minded society labels as ‘Strange’, ‘ungodly awful’, ‘just like, totally dickish’ or even ‘just really, really, really weird’. Many have come before and you might be wondering “Where are they now?”
Well, they made mistakes. Rookie mistakes ensure over half of our promising villains-to-be are killed or arrested by their adversaries. Needless to say, this makes villains the world over look like chumps…mainly because our adversaries tend to be children ranging in age from about 12 to 18.
Sure, there’s the occasional rouge cop or secret agent, but more often than not you’ll deal with children.
This guide is aimed at identifying and analyzing the mistakes most rookies make, to ensure you’ll be able to avoid them and plan the appropriate countermeasures.
DON’T: Leave your victims alive
We know there’s a certain appeal to leaving at least one person alive. There’s somebody left to spread the tale of your callous disregard for life, you’ll spread fear amongst friend and foe alike at virtually no cost at all and it saves bullets. Besides, let’s face it, even your legion of concubines can’t get you off like picturing the fear in the eyes of that last survivor.
There’s nothing wrong with that, we all have our fetishes. Well…Compared to your monstrous slaughter of the old and infirm alike there’s nothing wrong it, at least.
However, this will come back to bite you in one of two ways. The most likely one is that this last survivor will swear vengeance, acquire some sort of bullshit magical powers and come hunt you down years later when you’ve totally forgotten about him. Just like that, you’ve acquired a nemesis.
Option two is that your nemesis will get the whole story from the last survivor and decide that the best response would be to hunt you down and shove sharp objects somewhere you really don’t want them. (Editor’s note: Unless you have the power to expel pointy things from there, in which case you’ll be ready.)
DO: Kick a puppy
Look, the whole point is to let people know you’re evil. Far less people are going to swear vengeance because you kicked a puppy and it gets the message across just as well as mass murder. Plus, it’s a lot less messy…unless the puppy then pees on the 11th century rug you stole from the museum of national history.
DON’T: Experiment on enemies
Biological terror is a bit more niche as villainy goes, but it’s a great way to show off that PhD in Molecular Science. After all, those hours stuck in boring lectures were a big part of the reason you turned evil in the first place.
Still, never experiment on your enemies. You’ll muck things up and accidentally give them superpowers, which they’ll use to destroy you. Even if you don’t and you manage to mutate them as intended, the process will probably drive them insane and they’ll wind up destroying you by accident. Seriously. Every. Time.
The same goes for leaving them in intricate traps. It’s all very nice and showy, but they will escape.
Just hang up your degree somewhere people are sure to see it and keep your experiments to kidnapped orphans and your own minions.
DO: Shoot them
It’s amazing how many problems are solved if you just put a bullet in your nemesis. It’s a temporary solution, because there will always be people to take up your nemesis’ mantel, and it lacks that euphoric feeling of watching their mutated form weep for their lost humanity, but it is quick and easy.
Just BANG! One hole in their head later and you can go back to building that base in an active volcano until the next nemesis shows up.
DON’T: Underestimate the children
Our shrink says the pressure of being a full-time villain has a way of giving people issues with superiority.
…Bah, what does that fool know anyway?
Picking up a nemesis or two is inevitable. It’s just an occupational hazard when you commit to being evil. Kind of like the increased odds of a heart attack from all the donuts for cops. However, not all nemeses are equal. Is your nemesis a child of indeterminate age with spiky hair, perhaps some sort of facial scar and a weapon that is hilariously large, impractically designed or both? If yes, run. Run and put as many cities, nations and preferably continents between you and him as you can.
The spiky haired child nemesis is easily the most dangerous, because they’re the most likely to have gained magical powers of bullshit which the world has not seen for a thousand years. Their youth might make them seem like easy prey. Naturally you’ll want to monologue because these damn kids should be grateful they can learn a thing or two from someone older, more experienced, far more evil and of course undeniably more handsome.
But that is precisely when the magical power of bullshit will really kick in.
Run and find a way to drop a planet on them. That might do the trick…maybe.
DO: Shoot everyone
Whenever you hear there’s an intruder or guards stop reporting in, barricade yourself in your office, armoury or mutated hamster cloning facility and shoot whoever opens the door. Your nemesis will be expecting you to sit there, waiting for them with a glass of wine, a cat to stroke and a speech at the ready.
No! We know it’s appealing but suppress that instinct, break out the big guns. You’ll probably go through a few mailmen, maids and pizza delivery boys at first, but when you do hit your nemesis it’ll all be worth it.
Look, your love life is fucked, you might as well accept that now. No matter your preference when it comes to evil snuggle buddies, they will inevitably turn on you. You might think that your summoned succubus and hot demon chicks would never betray you, but they will.
We get that this is a heavy blow. Succubi are 90% of the reason most people get into the dark arts. Presumably the remaining 10% is sexual frustration.
We’re not saying you can’t get laid. By all means, form an entire legion of concubines and stick them in a suggestively shaped tower somewhere. We’re just saying that you probably shouldn’t get attached because there’s only a few ways this will go.
In the worst case scenario, it’ll turn out they’re more evil than you. If this is the case, they’ll probably reveal it when your nemesis kicks the door down. Trust us when we say that they’ll drop you like a hot turd and let you take the fall the moment things look bad.
If they weren’t using you like a supremely evil puppet, they’ll probably fall in love with your nemesis and betray you. Apparently rugged good looks and something apparently called ‘morals’ and ‘basic human decency’ is more attractive than features horribly twisted by dark magic and an unrelenting thirst for the blood of the innocent.
…No accounting for taste, we suppose (Editor’s note: I’m still not paying child support, Jessica!).
DO: Shoot first, have celebratory sex later
If this guide has taught you anything, it should be the benefit of owning a gun big enough to match your evil ambitions. We don’t care if you hold it ‘gangsta style’ or you copy the yakuza and double tap the problem in the back of the head, but shoot your nemesis first.
Really, in the head. Shooting them in the knees is funny, but the humour quickly fades when they reveal their secret power and make you eat that gun. We repeat, shoot them. In the head.
Seriously, those goodie two shoes have no consideration for your libido. Besides, the sex is always better when you can do it on their corpse…Provided he hasn’t turned your concubines against you. Did we mention the importance of ensuring you lock their tower?
We hope these simple tips will help you in your current and future evil endeavours. Ours is a lonely business and if we can’t rely on each other, who can we rely on? Nobody, exactly.
…Eh, do keep in mind that we really can’t trust each other either. We’re still evil, after all. We can’t even ask our co-workers for coffee without pre-emptively taking an antidote for the inevitable poisoning.
Have we convinced you to subscribed to our monthly guide to proper villainy? If not, you are a fool and you should know that destroying you will grant us a wave of almost sexual pleasure.
If we have, great! Simply send us one soul for the basic subscription, or the soul of a priest/nun for the deluxe package. Deluxe? Why, yes! It comes with blueprints for something that totally isn’t an orbital death ray. That’s our story and we’re sticking to it, members of the UN!
If you are unable to send us monthly souls, please contact us by drawing a pentagram in goat’s blood and chanting in the dark tongue until you hear the shrieking of the damned. We’ll set you up with a weekly payment plan, provided you can find the virgins to sacrifice.